confused

[ajveg]

okay before i even start this thread i am not anti drinking:p

chris the one that broke up with me came back et.c. from the thread "its over!" well for the last two years i have known him he has totally dispised teen culture, drinking drugs clubbing now all of a sudden he's decided he likes/loves drinking and going out with his friends, i just feel like the chris i knew has disappeared. Part of him was the way he didn't see any point to drinking because he didn't like the taste, Now well he's changed.

Also his friends are a lot older in their 30's so i think its peer pressure although he would not agree, i personally think he drinks for the sake of being social as in he cant hang around with his friends and not drink, and he told me he shows off a lot around them, i mean chris is normally very pacif but from the way he acts around his friends he's mucho and a jack of the lads to speak.

I dont know the real him, the thing is when i go out to night he says i've got to act different and not start any debates and make people pissed off at me.

These older friends of chris' though all hate me and have either almost made that clear to chris or me, plus i will be under major critism for the vegan thing.

I think he's ashamed of me yeah i know i can get quite heated in a debate may be too. but he's changing everything about him and now everything about me, there has been no cuddles or anything for a while and i'm always afraid he'll leave me. Most of all i 'm afraid i dont know him any more.

if he liked drinking from the start that would have been fine but this is a major character change

[Lacykitten]

Sounds to me like this guy is a jerk and not worth getting back together with.

No one who cares about you will make you change. Please please remember this. If he cares, he will be happy only when you are being yourself and not pretending to be someone else. He doesn't care if he's demanding you to not be who you are.

Also sounds like he's changed for the worse. I have a lot of older friends (I'm 20, they go up to 36) and most of my friends drink, but there's never been pressure on me to do it, and I can be perfectly social by drinking pop or water.

If these people are pressuring him, they're not his friends; but maybe he's wanting to change, and they are his excuse. That'd be my guess, because of the way he's begun to act with regards to you, and all the changes.

Find someone better, hun. Someone who cares about you enough to let you be YOU and not ask you to pretend to be somoene else. You don't need someone who's friends all dislike you. If you were important to him, he would say "Too bad, I care about her - you'll have to accept her even if you don't like her, and don't let me catch you saying bad things about her either!" and NOT ask YOU to change.

*hug* Be strong and do what's best for you. Best wishes, s-tahen sem.

[sheila]

Lacy is right, get away from this guy just as fast as you can. Anyone who tries to make you change is a control freak and you don't need to be with a person who doesn't like you for who and what you are. He knows that you are afraid he will leave you and he is using this to gain more control over you.

PS. HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

[shade]

If you were important to him, he would say "Too bad, I care about her - you'll have to accept her even if you don't like her, and don't let me catch you saying bad things about her either!" and NOT ask YOU to change.

I agree with that entirely. If he was a caring guy he'd stick up for you when they criticize you rather than asking you to alter who you are so that they can tolerate hanging out with you for the night. He shouldn't be ashamed of you or ask you to act like a different person when you are around his friends. He needs to like you and be with you for who you are whether or not you have an audience.

It sounds to me like he is really just trying to fit in with his friends and trying to change you so that you fit in with them as well. If he's not happy with who you are as YOU, not what he wants you molded into, then is he really worth it?

I may sound hypocritical as I've been having a rocky time with my s/o as well yet I am still by his side (and he actually is changing, but for the better in this circumstance), but just based on the situation that you've set out, it doesn't seem like he is being fair to you.

[ajveg]

may i was a little harsh. It's not so much change he says he loves me for who i am, but him and his friends think i am just a little to opininated, because i like to put forward my point of view and that is normally my very own individual view then people disagree and start telling me what they think and i defend my self. it gets heated some times and the way he sees it is i shouldn't get involved.

As for his friends well tonight was suprisingly okay, one of them made an effort to have a conversation with me, the others didn't but they weren't rude. They still dont think i'm good enough for him, but i am glad i stopped getting dirty looks.

And i now understand why he drinks, its not so much peer pressure, what happens is they just all buy him drinks and he likes thenm so he doesn't say no.

[madpogue]

I'd be more afraid of him staying than leaving. Anyone who expects a certain type of conduct from you among his/her friends is someone about whom to be VERY cautious. It's not only unrealistic, it's a means of manipulation. Imagine I were a single guy interested in you, but I found you to be too opinionated in conversation. My only ethical choices would be (1) get used to it, or (2) take my interest elsewhere.

I see multiple layers to this dynamic. There's the obvious layer of the attempt to manipulate your conduct. Another, I'd reckon, is the subject matter. I bet his concern is not just you being opinionated, but being opinionated about animal issues. We all know what potential we, as veg*ns, have to "push people's buttons" wrt. animal issues, even when we don't intend to do so. But of course, if that's a topic that's close to your heart, it would be unfair for him, or anyone else, to expect you to bite your tongue.

Gotta wonder about his new habits, too. Yeah, they may be "new", but I have to believe there has been a longstanding potential for these habits to emerge. If you don't find that healthy for you to be around, stay away. The question you gotta ask yourself (and I'm not conjecturing an answer here, just posing the question) is: could these "new" habits reflect somehow on his deeper character?