its over

[ajveg]

i know i am only 17 but me and my boyfriend have been together for two years and then he ended it yesterday, because he feels trapped and doesn't believe we can work things out. the reason i'm venting this is because it's easier to type your feelings then speak them, plus i will end up crying.
for two years my boyfriend and i have planned to get married, have children and grow old together for two years have literally spent 24/7 together and never been stuck about what to talk about. We always said we were unlike any other couple that we were going to be the couple that were 90 years old olding hands on a bench, we even moved in with each other.
Chris has always hated clubbing, and alchol and then for a friends birthday Toria (remember her name) he decided to go with the group from work out for the evening, he came back early hours sunday morning and broke up with me, told me he didn't love me any more, but that he didn't want me to get the wrong idea that some thing had happened that night, so he told me that Toria had hit on him and asked him out, he had declined, and that had nothing to do with why we were breaking up.
i was distraught i loved him and still do i really wanted him back and couldn't understand whats wrong, he said i had a temper etc so he left. my mum and her friend wrapped me into a protective bubble but i cried hysterically, finally Chris agreed to talk to me the next day he remained adament that i could not change and niether could he so i cried hysterically. Then he came after me telling me it had he didn't want to make the biggest mistake of his life.
For the next three weeks i needed lots of reasurance, especially when i found out the night he broke up with me he and his friend had gone for a drink with Toria and her friend. He told me he was trying to save his friendship with her, but then he became distant and was about to break up with me again so i contemplated suicide which i know was stupid but i really can't imagine my life without him he is my life. Any way he found me with the pills in my hand and said it was an attention plea, but that he was sorry and he really saw us together forever and still wanted to be with me, he said it wasn't out of guilt that i ment more to him then ever.
The things changed he decided he liked clubbing and alchohl, but when i asked if i could go out with him, he said no he only wanted to go out with his friends because he'd get jelous if anyone approched me and that he was fine with what he didn't see but thats was it.
He went out the saturday just gone, came back early hours sunday, he had gone clubbing then gone home with two girls and stayed there until three am, i was a bit annoyed but no more than any one, anyway he met me after work and we went to my parents house, mum askd Chris if he loved mje and wanted to be with me, he said yes , but he needed to think because he said we could never have what we had and that i couldn't change and he couldn't change the new chris he had become. and then he left and said he was sorry started crying and said goooodbye. i really belive he is my soul mate and i love him, i've barely been able to stop crying since last night, i can't turn my feelings off, i will never find any one like him again as long as l live. i do trust him and i know he would never have done anything whan he was going out with me but the fact if i couldn't see him with anyone else. two years we have never been apart and know i feel as if a part of me has been ripped out and engulfed by an empty hole, all my friends are of to uni and the love of my life as left me, i feel numb, but maybe typing this will help i just dont know.

[Beanqueen]

Oh my oh my... typing does help, might not feel like it but keep working through your feelings and remember that people care about you even if it doesn't feel like it. I know nothing I say right now is gonna make the pain less but just keep the thought in your head that people DO care. I've never met you in real life but right now I wish I could make you feel better. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[ajveg]

Thanks i can't stop crying and i can't understand it, every time the phone rings i think its for me i think it's him. i love him and nothing can change that some times i wish i was a tap so i could just turn of the tap, be less human. He cuddled me asleep when he got back and told me how much he loved me and what a good time he had had.

I'm going to move back in with my parents and then we are going to have to split all our things in half. We have been through so much together and have so many things we share.

Thanks, for your support, everything just feels surreal as if i'm going to wake up, yet that nagging feeling is there i feel sick and afraid, but apparantly that heals with time?!

[Beanqueen]

Yes, it all heals with time and you will look back on things and feel very different to how you do now. I can absolutely promise you that. Things are very raw for you now but it does get easier.

[herbi]

Ohhh... I am so sorry, AJ! I agree with BeanQueen-- never really met you, but damn I wish I could do something to help you out right now! :( I am glad your family has been so supportive of you. And I can also say with some authority that it WILL get better, though there's nothing I can say or do that will make that feel true right now. I have had something very VERY horribly similar happen to me, so while I can never know your exact situation or feelings, I know you probably feel more miserable right now than you ever thought was humanly possible and you just can't imagine what you're going to do. Take some time to just hide from the world and cry if that's what you need to do, and eventually slowly you will realize that you are OK, that you have always been OK deep down, and that you ultimately always will be OK, with or without the one(s) you love. Sounds stupid probably right now, but believe me when I say that admitting that is true IN NO WAY diminishes the very real love you had for him. You can have both-- you can be absolutely devoted to someone with all your heart and soul, and yet you can be strong enough in yourself to know you don't actually NEED that person to be whole and to go on and to have your life. And when you find someone else who doesn't NEED you, but who just wants you really really really bad, well... woohoo! Anyway, I am just babbling on now, but I hope you feel better as soon as possible.

(Besides, screw him! He's a big butthead and you're too good for him anyway! So there! ;))

[ajveg]

thanks, i really wish i could turn my feelings off, but the way i feel is that even now when he has ended it if anyone tried to kiss me i wouldn't be able to because that would be cheating on him, imagining life without him is so hard everything reminds me of him, the way he kissed my nose the way he tickled my chin. i really can't belive i could share the closeness of what we had with anyone and that hurts, because i don't want anyone i want him. Any way he was always unhappy with me being vegan but at the moment no matter how silly it sounds thats where i am drawing my strenght form and you guys!

[VeganUU]

This may not be any consolation, but a lot (if not all) of us have been in very similar situations, and one thing is for sure: you will get through it. When my first boyfriend, best friend, and everything in the universe broke up with me, I cried so much that I popped blood vessels in the skin around my eyes. I was almost 17 at the time. It sounds like your ex-boyfriend has a lot of stuff to figure out in his own life, and I guess he thinks he needs to do it on his own. This is why it's so hard to get super-committed to someone in your late-teens and twenties... you're going to change so much in the next several years, and more often than not, the people you love won't be able to change with you. I don't say that to sound negative, it's just that we all have to figure out where we're going and what our priorities are, and sometimes it's easier on everyone to do it alone.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. I know it's the crappiest feeling in the world. At this point, I actually feel grateful for having my heart broken a few times. It's made me a stronger person. I know that you probably don't feel that way right now, but maybe some day you will. Maybe you need to start creating some new dreams for yourself and your life. What kinds of amazing and meaningful things can you do? I know that because the boyfriend I mentioned earlier broke up with me, I attended a different (and better) university, found different communities where I belonged, and started to define myself on my own terms. I know I couldn't have done any of it with him around, and I know that you'll find your own way too. :)

[icebear]

he sounds like a real @#$%*, bet hes not vegan is he

[ajveg]

No he's not vegan. I do sort of believe that i will get over him in about 10 years, but the closness we had i mean we showed each other and talked to each other about stuff that is way to personal to ever contemplate telling or showing another person. I'm afraid of going to sleep because if i do i dream he comes back to me, when realistically i know down inside he won't.

I keep weting the top of my nose, because when ever i was down or upset he use to kiss my nose. I have tried phoning him but he seems so cold over the phone he says he does love me but cant be with me?

As we were living together its like a divource i have to separate all our stuff, because for two years we were like a married couple we brought everything together planned although didn't book to go away to Oxford for a holiday. And even worse he has got a new job where i work.

I havn't stopped crying for two days and i can't even dream of eating anything, my tummy would just throw it up again. i really couldn't be with anyone else, i want to grow old with him and the closness we shared i could never have that with anyone else, for starters i will not give my heart so easy IF there is ever a next time.

Plus i hate clubbing and stuff i dont like the music they play and i dont like the small place and well i don't exactly have any confidence, my ideal night is sitting in reading a book with a pizza or watching a movie with popcorn. Thats it.

And to make matters worse it seems some one is really taking the piss, my friends are all moving away to uni and the few that are staying or lovely and sweet but with learning difficulties to the extent they don't understand to much and all they enjoy doing is clubbing and drinking.

Some times i don't know why i'm even alive, i dont feel like a person any more, not even half a person. But thank you all of you it makes me feel less alone when i log on and there are messages.

[ajveg]

look what i found when i went back and read my vegan story, it hurts so much so much, i can't stop crying

Hi I'm Chris AJ's boyfriend.

I know everybody thinks i'm a pretty bad guy , it's not that I don't respect her decision, in fact I think it's great that she's doing something that she believes in. All i'm worried about is the health issue, i've heard that if you don't eat the right kinds of foods which contain the right kind of vitamins, you can become ill . I just don't want my beloved to be ill that's all !

As for me being a meat eater, it's difficult to think about change even though the Vegan argument is REALLY strong. Maybe one day, in time.

By the way, I think you guys are great for doing something that you believe in. More>pwr2U.

All the best
Chris

[Beanqueen]

{hug}

You need to cry right now but just like other people have said, take note from those of us who look back at ourselves when we were where you are now. I am not saying this to try and belittle how you are feeling, far from it, I know how you feel and I know you can't see a way out. All I can say is it does get easier. Things will trip you up, like reading that in your story, but those things will happen less and less and the time between tears will get longer and longer until one day you will realise you haven't thought about him (then that will make you cry but still, it will be different to today's tears.)

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just want you so much to know that your pain will go away.

Hang in there.

[ajveg]

i went back to our house to day and i found the christmas card he gave me and everything covered in love hearts he gave me, which is nearly all the presents he gave me, i feel sick to my stomack especially when people keep telling me that there is some one else he has a crush on, i feel ill. i phoned him yesterday and he says he still loves me so much, if thats the case why do this, why not try and work out are apparent problems, if people love each other thats what they do they work things out they love each other unconditionally.

God i feel so crumy i feel so alone and unloved, i don't belong to any one i'm not someones beloved, yet he's still my beloved, i feel that i will never stop crying and never be whole again

Once again you are all great

[herbi]

Originally posted by ajveg
i found the christmas card he gave me and everything covered in love hearts he gave me

Yeah, just a week or 2 ago I was going through some photos and found one of the guy I had been going to marry holding up a window-frame we were making for the old house I used to live in, where to cheer me up he had carved a little heart with our initials in it and sealed it up into that window forever, where it still presumably is... I haven't even seen him in 2 years now, and since we fell apart I have even fallen for someone else (and had that fall apart too), but it still made me really sad. Not to talk about myself or anything, just adding to what BeanQueen said-- we've (almost) all been there, Sweetie, so we know how much it hurts, rips your insides out, numbs your brain, etc..... But the view from the other side is that, well, there IS another side. You'll come out the other end someday (and probably a lot stronger and wiser to boot). And like VeganUU said, you may find that the path your life takes without him turns out better than it would've with him. I sincerely loved my guy very much, but I know now that if I'd stayed with him and moved away as we'd planned, I wouldn't have my amazing job I have now and I almost certainly wouldn't've gone vegan. :( I miss him, but in retrospect I'm glad I didn't miss out on that!!! And I know you feel crummy, but you are NOT unloved!!!!! Anyway... I'm glad we can be at least some kind of little comfort to you??? *virtual hug*

[Dandelion]

brokenhearts are everywhere these days it seems
*sigh*

[ajveg]

thanks eveyone, i've being texting, and begging him to come back i know its pitiful but i love him, he says he's sure he's doing the right thing and thats it. this is the longest we've been apart for two years i feel crummy but i know he'se probably out there with his new friends and new social life, so i have logged on to easy jet and booked tickets for this sunday to go to ireland to see family i am telling work it is a berevment i know its a lie and i know this is not as bad as anyone dying and i dont mean such little respect but in a way i feel as if a part of me has died. i will tell you all about it when i get home, but for now i will check on this board daily, and just say thank you to every one you are all so supportive and have really made me feel better, i actually plan on going away and enjoying my self i mean he will so why dont i ( it will still hurt like hell and i still cant stop crying but you guys have made me believe i have a future) thankyou:p

[jenzie]

Hey...

I'd just like to nod my head in agreement to what everyone has said... there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Things, even though it does not seem like it now, will get better!

And like Herbi pointed out, you never know what positive direction your life will take now! :) Have fun on your trip - that sounds like a step in the right direction! :)

[Beanqueen]

Yeah to all the stuff everyone else has said!

Hope your trip goes okay and you take comfort from your family. Also I just re-read your post about your friends going away to college.. think of the 'holidays' you can have going to visit them! Something to look forward to at least.

Take care.

[herbi]

I think the Ireland trip is a GREAT idea!!! It really helps to just get away from the "scene of the crime" and clear your head and think from a distance... being in a whole new place can make you realize all sorts of whole new ideas... Let us all know how it went! (Send us a virtual postcard! ;))

[ajveg]

thanks, i ve been quite strong to day until i had to go home and pack all chris's stuff into bags, the smell of his clothes all the rings and keepsafes he's given me. i know one day i may look back and wish i'd kept all the cards and everything he gave me, but not know i've given them to him or rather left them to be collected.

Here is where the weak point comes in i texted him again. i turned on my phone (for the first time in a week) and all these messages appeared saying i love you soooooooooooo much see you to night and stuff like that i broke down and begged for him back, he remained very cold and distant like i have made my choice and thats it.

It hurts, but i remembered what he said the other day about how when toria hit on him he thought that he could do so much better than what he's got now (me:( ) he doesn't like toria i am quite sure but the fact he thinks there are other people better than me after two years hurts. plus i am just realising that even if he did come back and i hope would he ever love me the way he use to?


Any who i am leaving on sunday from bristol, family are picking me up, and staying for a week until the following tuesday. I am even thinking that if i like it there i might apply for the local college:p

People keep saying you can't run away from your problems they will still be there when you get back, but i am not running away i am taking control and learning to live again as me, not as half of me. i can not do that at home as every where i go has reminders of how much i love chris. By taking this positive step i can be more incontrol.

Thank you you are all brilliant i mean it i feel like i have told you all more than i could tell anyone else with out judgement, just plain old good advice. and whats more over the next month and those to follow you'll get to watch me recover and blossom in to a super powerful vegan all thanks to you all:p

[straberrye]

aj
I do not konw what you are going throgh but i will always be their for you where ever i am we can get through this
emma

[ajveg]

emma i love you :p
Okay you have really just brightened up my day and what a wonderful way to communicate.

HEY everyuone say hello to em, she is my best friend and lives not far away, hey what do you think of the Ireland trip?

:cartwheel: :banana:

[herbi]

Originally posted by ajveg
i am not running away i am taking control and learning to live again as me, not as half of me. .....
and whats more over the next month and those to follow you'll get to watch me recover and blossom in to a super powerful vegan

YES YES YES!!!
:sunny:
AJ, you are awesome and that is SO right! I am really glad you are able to see things in this light! WOOHOO! Hooray for your friend, too...
(And incidentally, anyone who tells you he thinks he can "do better" needs a good swift kick to the curb anyway, so... :mad: )

[Beanqueen]

Originally posted by ajveg


he thought that he could do so much better than what he's got now (me:( ) he doesn't like toria i am quite sure but the fact he thinks there are other people better than me after two years hurts.



What a complete and utter *@&$£r!!!! Please do NOT accept this b@llsh1t. Better than you???????????????? Who does he think he is? (I am experiencing righteous anger on your behalf right now.)

*seethe seethe*

Oh my oh my you are so much better than he will ever have again!! What an idiot. His loss girl... his loss!!

You are at a very exciting point in your life, you are young, you are smart, you can be who you want to be, do what you want to do, don't be no one's fool.... go get 'em!!!!!!!

[ajveg]

yeah, i feel better all ready, i know it's still going to hurt for awhile and it's going to be difficult learning to do stuff on my own, and well i just have to face facts that he doesn't want me. I know things will trip me up, seeing him around, i can't just stop loving him but i have to be independant.

It could be fun?:p meeting new people, friends the works i know it won't be easy and i'll miss him so much but i really believe everyone when they say it'll hurt less over time.
The things i'm not prepaired for are
another relationship,
and seeing Chris with some one new,
sleeping at my home in bed wondering why he's not cuddling me

I'm still not sure i will ever have the closeness we shared with some one else ever, but at the moment i'm just going to enjoy life and try to get back on track

(big vegan hug to everyone) :)

[VeganUU]

hey aj and everybody. i found this poem today in a catalog that my mom gave me. when i read it, i thought of this discussion. i hope you like it!

After a While
by: Veronica Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security

And you begin to lean that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
with you head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground it too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
that you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn
and with every goodbye you learn...

:)

[lotus_blue]

ajveg, my heart goes out to you. I know just how painful all this is. But your beauty comes shining through in all your postings. Keep your chin up, things will get better, even though it may not seem like it now. I promise you: things WILL get better.

Someone gave me some very sage advice when I was going through something similiar a few years back: "Every time we say, 'I'll just call him/her ONE more time', or 'I'll just write him/her ONE more letter', or 'I just want to talk to him/her ONCE more'...that's one more time we put our selves out there to be hurt again." You're worth so much more, ajveg. Hang in there, ok?

[ajveg]

thanks everyone, i'm feeling a lot better, although my tummy isn't i think that can just be put down to my period being late, very late but emotional stress can cause that apparantley besides i've done a test so theres nothing to worry about (not that that stops me worrying!).

Thank you for the kind words and advice, you have all given me and that poem, i think i will type it up and frame it.

I want to keep you all up dated on my progress so for as long as possible i'm going to keep this thread open and i'll tell you all how i'm managing or not as the case may be, and you can all be there with your words of advice and comfort which really do help me get through another day


first today the 12th i have made some pretty big decisions regarding my life and future, now all i have to do is get the ball rolling. Every one knows about my trip to Ireland, well if all goes as planned i'm going to live there.

No i am not running away as everyone at home thinks, heres how i see it: a new start in a place i love, no bad memories and lots of family. I think that moving away will give me a chance to change, mature and become independant myself, i'm not going to pretend it'll be easy, but i dont see it as running away i see it as a challange a new experience with so much to gain from it. My parents will be only a flight journey away and however much their best intentions i feel stuck in a rut, but hopefully that will change.

I have an interview on wednesday with the local college to do an intensive A level course within one year, i'm really looking forward to this new chapter in my life.

What you said lotus_blue is so true, i keep texting him and writting him letters i can't face the fact that may be we are not ment to be, however much that hurts i've got to, and the sooner the better.

You have all made me feel so loved and so secure, and the best part is that where ever i move you will all move with me (much better than any boyfriend) besides i'm not going to go looking for love, i'm going to wait for it to find me (again) and i do believe in soul mates so if chris doesn't come back then we just weren't ment to be.

Thank you for making me feel like a person and a loved one, some times i forget just how much growing up i have to do and just how much more there is too life then sulking around, hurt fades eventually and although mine has by no means gone i'm on the long road to recovery

(hugs and kisses everyone)
(and lots of glasses of chocolate soya milk)

[ajveg]

hi every one i'm in ireland, but i still miss chris i keep thinking we should be doing all the stuff i'm doing. any who i got into couty Armagh college so wowowowowowowow yeaaaaaaaaaa i can actually consider moving here. my family are greT I MEAN AMAZING but i still have one worry no show period so say a little big prayer for me love you all speak very soon:)

[herbi]

Mmm.... chocolate soymilk... :)
WOOHOO! Congrats on getting into college in Ireland! That's awesome!!! I am so happy for you. Yaaaaaay! :)
(As for the other, well, could be just stress but I will send out the Vibes. Take care of yourself!)

[prettyinpinksox]

AJ!!! <<<<<big hug>>>>> I haven't been on in awhile, so I totally missed all this. I'm so sorry that stuff like this happens...but believe me...you will be so much stronger because of this. I went through the same type of thing a while ago. It's really hard to imagine life without someone when you've made so many plans with them. I am not much older than you (nineteen) but I've learned *so* much from that experience. I now know that I can't plan my whole life around anyone other than myself, because honestly I'm the only person I can wholely depend on. I also learned that I really love who I am. I still love my ex-boyfriend to death (we've remained friends) and even now when I think about all the good times we had..I get those warm fuzzy feelings, but it's a different kind of warm fuzzy feeling. It's more of an appreciation of the experience, rather than a yearning. As cliche as it is to say this....it will all get better with time. I promise. It doesn't seem like it will, but you'll see. :)

Many many many hugs from California...

[prettyinpinksox]

P.S. As far as the period thing goes...try to relax and do things to nurture yourself. A couple times I've been so stressed out and crazy that I've totally messed up my cycle and thrown myself off a few days. Which totally sucks because that causes more stress! :embarr: Hope things get back to normal! :)

[ajveg]

okay scrap the positive messages i feel as if i am going to be sick really sick. A few days after chris split with me him and a girl called shelly started seeing each other. From what chris told me shelly had a boyfriend but they didn't get along, this is when we were going out. Any who i asked a mutual friend to tell me if chris is seeing someone and he said yes her name is shelly, so now i feel really shit. send all the good vibes my way

[ajveg]

i feel as if my world has come crashing down, i feel so low i mean i am very traditional in a sense, i have only ever slept with chris and thats because we were practically engaged and now evens off having sex with some one else becuse i'm not good enough for him. i really didn't think it was possible to feel this low or this scared. if i am pregnant i don't believe in abortion, but i can't look after a baby, provide for it and the dad wouldn't care less it seems and i have life plans yet at the same time, its not the collection of cells fault, i really hope i am not pregnant yet its starting to look as if i am wich scares me. every one says it's just stress and i have been put through alot but if i didn't have a period on the 10th and i can't remember i'm over 7 weeks late, if i did i'm only a week or two late. i have done tests but they came out negative, but the doctor said some people have a slight hormone imbalance and it doesn't always show on a test , gos i am hurt and upset i dont think i could feel any lower but thats what i thought at first:(

[Beanqueen]

Go and see a doctor as soon as possible. Do three or four tests. Eliminate pregnancy as a possibility and then deal with the rest. This has to be your priority. The earlier you find out the more choices you have.

As for your ex, he is a turd on the shoe of a turd. seriously. Do you like Christina Aguilera - if you do then get her new album and play it loudly. If you don't then you'll have to settle for 'I will survive' by Gloria Gaynor because you will survive, you've got this far just keep on going.

First of all though, sort your health out and that means finding out if you're pregnant or not. Asap.

{hug}

[VeganUU]

Yep, "a turd on the shoe of a turd". That just about sums it up. There has to be a way to find out for sure if you're pregnant. I agree with beanqueen, take care of your health first, then you can focus on where your life will go next and how you can do it without the turd. You'll get through this, sweetie! We're all behind you!

[herbi]

I'll do you one better-- he is a festering maggot-ridden diarrheal turd on the hideously ugly cowboy boot of an even bigger putrid smelly turd. And I should know because now your situation really *IS* almost exactly like one I faced about 6 or 7 years ago, and that's pretty much what my ex was...

Ugh. That is LOW. I'm so sorry, AJ! But I agree with the gals here-- FIND OUT ASAP about the pregnancy issue. Blood tests at the doctor's office are much more sensitive, and if you're late enough to be this worried then they will be able to give you a definite answer. This is your number one priority right now. After that...

Don't give up on your positive plans! This just gives you all the more reason to get him the hell out of your life and move on to all that wonderful amazing Blossoming you talked about, which I know for a fact you will absolutely do. (After first, of course, feeling so betrayed and hurt and full of rage that you walk around the house like a zombie, weeping and vomiting and envisioning yourself repeatedly bashing his turdy head through a wall... at least, that's how I chose to handle things...) You can't see us, but we are all behind you, hugging you... (except for those of us who are behind him, doing nasty things to him-- but we will take turns so you don't get left alone even for a second!)

[icebear]

i believe a blood test will accurately tell if you are pregnant more so then the pee tests....

[ajveg]

thanks you guys, i do own christine s new cd so i 'll play it loud! i haven't got to the hate stage yet, still the longing, upset, devestated stage, so you can all be angry for me. I am going to buy a pregnancy test today so i will post results tonight. I have been thinking alot about what i'd do if i was pregnant and i have always been anti abortion (vegan thing) but i honestly can't say i'd rule that out, i have sooo many plans and i can barely look after myself, plus money and that child would have a lousy father so everyone cross fingers i'm not. I feel so sick because only days after leaving me he's found some one else, i was his first kiss, first everything and after two years he can replace me! i really don't believe he's on the rebound he just doesn't care about me. I asked him once because i have low self esteam if i was his second choice and he always said no i was his everything, then when he left he said "i realised i could have so much more than you" och that hurts soooo much.


Everyone thank you so much you guys have really helped and are really helping, i'm on a trip to belfast city to look at the other college and i'm going to try to put everything out of my mind for a few hours, although thats impossible. i keep imagining him doing all our stuff the little things like kissing my nose, holding hands with this girl from his work shelly, god i didn't think i could hurt more than i do right down.

I feel so scared and insignificant.:(

[penfold]

oh no!! ajveg - i've been busy and missed this thread. juat want to add my hugs and vibes to it and to say that you sound like you are handling this like a star. get as many (more) tests as you need to feel certain one way or the other. it's difficult not to feel scared, but you must not feel insignificant!!

have as good a time as you can in Belfast and keep us posted please!!

BIG HUG!!! :yes:

[ajveg]

Hi everyone, i know exactly how i feel you know when you go over a big bumb inthe car and you feel as if you left half of you behind, well thats how i feel all the time. I walk into a shop and hear a dance tune for example Blue making it hard for me and i think of chris and shelly dancing together, kissing, them lying in bed cuddling him telling her i ment nothing to him and she's by far prettier, and i hurt so much. Every one around me is really angry at him but i still just want to hold him and love him.

The worst part is that after being so close i mean literally living together for two years he can find someone else in the space of 3 or 4 days. Chris is a all round good guy which makes this so hard to believe, he was head boy at both this schools, everyone goes to him with his problems he is a saint yet all of a sudden he changed into this guy who couldn't care less.

I hate the fact i'm not good enough and i really think i will be alone for ever as this has not helped self estem issues i have, i mean it took US (no more) the good part of a year to get rid of my trust issues and well now i feel gutted i lay in bed listening to evanscence and imagining them together and believe me i dont want to but i have a good visual memory and i can picture them.

Other news so far last week before i came to ireland i did a pregnancy test on wednesday that turned out negative and i did one the week before also negative, AND TODAY ALSO NEGATIVE but i still feel scared to death i mean i know i have been through so much stress emotionally and worrying but can that really delay periods?

Oh and i got into Belfast instititue so i have three colleges to choose from i will post later this evening.

Thank you all, i log on and your kind words make me feel so much better :)

[herbi]

Originally posted by ajveg
Chris is a all round good guy

Sorry, sweetie, but no he most obviously is NOT. OK, OK, I'm sure he's not literally Evil Incarnate, and that his (thoughtless cruel stupid) actions are probably due to being really young (no offense) and immature and clueless about his place in the grand scheme of things and who he wants to be and who he wants to be with and blah blah blah, and we can all hope that as he matures he sincerely regrets what he's done to you and grows as a person and never does it again, BUT-- these are not the actions of an "all around good guy"!!! I don't mean to imply that you were wrong to be in love with him, as I'm sure he had a lot of good qualities and he must've made you happy etc, but... really this is a completely unacceptable way to treat another human being. I know you can't really help feeling that way just yet, but my advice would be to concentrate on really telling yourself why you DON'T want to be with him again/still!

I hate the fact i'm not good enough

That's not a "fact", that's a lie!
Listen, it may be that you were starting to outgrow him-- becoming a vegan, thinking about college, or in other ways advance who you were as a person, mentally & spiritually & all that good stuff. And maybe he saw that and either he felt threatened because he isn't ready to do those things yet himself, and so it scared him or whatever, OR, nasty proposition but frankly I'm not ruling it out, maybe he subconsciously knew he couldn't handle being with a strong confident healthy woman who actually gave a damn about the world around her? Maybe he wants someone easier to dominate? (I really really really don't like that he told you he thought he could "do better"-- the ONLY purpose of a statement like that is to manipulate you into feeling bad! Not the actions of someone who truly cares about you and is worth your time and NOT COOL!) Anyway, my point is, you are TOO good for him, NOT "not good enough"!!!

can that really delay periods?

Yes it really can, as can not eating enough/well, which people tend to do when they're that upset...

Oh and i got into Belfast instititue so i have three colleges to choose from

AWESOME!!! That's great news! See-- you are on your way, girl! You have your whole life ahead of you, and exciting choices to make for your New And Improved Future, and when you meet that sweet caring HONEST RESPECTFUL vegan hottie at college, all this will be but a distant memory.....

[ajveg]

the thing is i can already see positive things coming about because of this for example the thought of moving to ireland didn't really occur to me until chris left me, but that doesn't change the fact that i'm going to see him around with his new girlfriend, that makes me feel so low i mean out of respect he could have thought about it, it feels to me as if he left me already knowing there was someone else to go to or that he thought that might be a possibility.

I really don't know if i'm good enough for him or any one, he said that was another one of my problems that i am too dominating i say what i feel all the time instead of masking my feelings. He hated the whole vegan thing, but he also didn't let me go out clubbing with him he said it was because he got jelous of other blokes, and also that it was just for him and his friends. THE thing that hurt the most was that we have always been best friends.

As i type this he is at work with Shelly and afterwards i bet they all go out clubbing, and i bet he doesn't mind taking her clubbing!

I want so much to hate him and to scream, but i hate the fact he is with some one other than me, that hurts more than life.

Thank you everyone has been great, i'm going to turn on my phone and read my messages cos earlier on i sort of had a heated moment and did something stupid and text Chris best friend who would have showen chris the message and replied. i txted "So after two years chris is off to bonk anything in a skirt!" the funny thing is that is so unlike me i never use that word, i'm dreading the reply.
thanks every one i really dont think i would be as together, or a sane as i am at the moment if it wasn't for all of you, if i could i'd squeeze you all and shower you with all things good and vegan.

[herbi]

Originally posted by ajveg
the thing is i can already see positive things coming about because of this for example the thought of moving to ireland didn't really occur to me until chris left me

I am so impressed that you can already see that! (Took me a lot longer, in each of my own miserable past experiences... :( ) I think that speaks to your real Strength.

, but that doesn't change the fact that i'm going to see him around with his new girlfriend, that makes me feel so low

Yeah, and nothing's gonna change the fact that you feel low, sad but true. :( Nothing but time and perspective. Sigh. Sucks a LOT, but there it is.

I really don't know if i'm good enough for him or any one,

OK, now you're just making me mad. Angry face here: :mad: You are NOT ALLOWED to say or think or believe that, AJ, because it is just crazy and insane and clearly so far from true that I don't even know what to say! Grrrrr...

i say what i feel all the time instead of masking my feelings.

Oh no! Shock! Horror! Surely not... a woman who SAYS WHAT SHE FEELS?!?!?! Eeeeeeeek!!!!! :eek: Gee, I think he's right, that's a very negative trait to have..... :rolleyes: This just adds more fuel to my theory-- you're turning into a Super Cool Woman, and he just isn't ready for that, incapable of handling it. He's still in the realm of clueless selfish boys and girls, and you're escaping that into the realm of responsible respectful men and women. Good for you! Don't let what some dork says about you make you doubt yourself, chica.

Oh! I know what I was going to say-- though I see the value of that whole "Thanks for making me a fighter" thang, I personally cannot stand Christina Aguilera, so, I want to offer some alternative musical selections..... :) (I like the "I Will Survive" suggestion, btw, though I prefer the Cake cover to the original.) For general "work yourself up into a good cathartic cry", the Cure can't be beat, but when you want the cry to be over, they also have a kind of cheezy song that got me through some tough times when I first came to college way back when: on the album "Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me" (1987) is a song called "Fight" that you might check out if you like 80's-era Cure...
"Sometimes there's nothing to feel/ sometimes there's nothing to hold/ sometimes there's no time to run away/ sometimes you just feel so old/ the times it hurts when you cry/ the times it hurts just to breathe/ and when it seems like there's no-one left/ and all you want is to sleep/ FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, just push it away/ FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, just push it until it breaks/ ..... FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, fight til you drop/ FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, and never never never stop/ So when the hurting starts/ and when the nightmares begin/ REMEMBER: you can fill up the sky/ YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IN/ never give in..."

And you can have this as your goal song-- one of my favorites and really beautiful and "deep" I think. "Feel So Different", by Sinead O'Connor, from the album "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got" (1990):
"I am not like I was before/ I thought that nothing could change me/ I was not listening anymore/ still you continued to affect me./ I was not thinking anymore/ although I said I still was/ I said "I don't want anymore"/ because of bad experience./ But now I feel so different/ I feel so different/ I feel so different./ ..... I should have hatred for you/ but I do not have any/ oh, I have always loved you/ and you have taught me plenty./ The whole time, I'd never seen/ all you had spread before me/ the whole time, I'd never seen/ that all I'd need was inside Me!/ And now I feel so different/ I feel so different/ I feel so different!"

You don't have to hate Chris if you don't want to! :) Don't let us angry protective women make you feel bad if you don't-- we're just saying it's OK if you feel like you do now (or in the near future). But I'd bet a million trillion billion dollars that eventually this turns out to be a significant turning point in your life that ultimately teaches you a lot about yourself and your relationships and that it leads to all kinds of Good Things for you. SO THERE!

[VeganUU]

I second everything Herbi wrote. I think we're all allowed to have "I feel like poop" days, but you are definitely worthy and beautiful and good enough. DEFINITELY. It sounds like Chris was more manipulative than not. Not allowing you to go clubbing, not wanting other guys to check you out, telling you he could do better... what is his deal? Anyone who says he loves you but then does all this stuff to make you feel less than, unworthy, and unloved is clearly off his rocker. That's not what you do to someone you love.

I don't want to demonize him or anything... I've done my share of crazy and stupid things... but you don't deserve to be treated like that. I wholeheartedly believe that loving yourself is the most important thing you can do. I definitely have times when I'm hard on myself, when I don't think I'm worthy, etc, but trying to cultivate a spirit of self-respect and love for yourself is SO important. You don't need other people to tell you you're worthy; it needs to come from within and I know you're strong enough to get there.

One more thing... this may be completely unrealistic, but I'd like to suggest that you not get really angry at Shelly. I know you haven't said much about her yet, but I know how easy it may be to hate hate hate her. But, he's the one who hurt you, not her. It's just that women can be SO supportive of each other, and we can also be so mean to each other and I wish we weren't (not that it has to be happy, woman, utopia talking about our periods 24/7, but I think one way in which men maintain social power is because we tend to divide and conquer amongst ourselves... if that makes sense). I don't know her at all, and I have no idea what she's thinking, but regardless I think you need to focus on yourself and your healing right now.

[ajveg]

Thanks i do feel better, and still very upset, it makes me wonder if he ever cared for me, if he can do this, the only problem with that is if he never cared for me then how will i ever trust another man again and if he did how will i ever trust another man again.

I do feel like shit because i know even if he doesn't what i've and him has lost, mutual friends, each others family, support, love, respect, closeness and thats the part that hurts, that he has already found some one to share those things with no sooner than days after he ends it with me!!!!!!!!!!!!

It really nakes me feel angry but hurt as well, does he think only about him self!?

Okay still feeling hurt, but realising there is life after chris. The only thing i am not prepared for and will never be prepared for is seeing him and Shelly out together holding hands, the thing is i dont want to give him the satifaction of seeing me cry, but when the time comes i don't think i'll be able to control it.


Herbi and veganuu and beanqueen thanks and everyone else, you can never know just how much you have all helped me, i mean that if it weren't for you i'd be crying in a heap on the floor

love amanda:)

And when the time comes IF it ever comes my next boyfriend will be screened by all of you first!!!!:p

[ajveg]

how am i going to stop myself from feeling physically sick when i see them, i mean i planned WE planned our whole lives together we had so much of a future, i'm starting to feel ill again just thinking about it, it's not fair, i'm not a saint but i dont think i deserve this i am so confused on so many different levels i dont know whether i'm comming or going.

[ajveg]

okay i did something very stupid. me and chris share passwords for our email so i decided to find out for once and for all if there really is another girl you know Shelly, well i stumpled on an email copy he'd sent to a friend basically saying how much he want to be with her, how they are meeting up on saturday (yesterday) how they are planning to sleep together, when she gets back from holiday and how much he really is going to miss her and i feel really ill i know i shouldn't have done it and i now feel twice as bad, i had to know for myself and now i wish i hadn't.

i hate the fact he can feel this way about some1 new after a few days of splitting up with me. I just feel rotten, i wish i could go back and had never snooped, because i had no right but i had to know if the hersay was true.

I feel sick really sick, i could never imagine feeling that way about another person not after a two year intense relationship

[ajveg]

okay i just don't care any more, i feel sick all the time, eating hurts so i don't my hair is getting on my f****ing nerves and i really really just dont care. I love chris, i love chris i love chris i love chris and no i cannot imagine life without him. any positive moment i have lasts all of three seconds and then i realise that chris isn't sharing it with me. My nose is all red because i keep licking and rubbing it.

I keep thinking what could i do to make things right, should i lose tonnes of weight start being more like everyone else, be more idependant. life sucks if one more person asks me whether i think it is good to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all i will SCREAM IN THEIR FACE "NO, NO BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER WANT ANYONE TO HURT AS MUCH AS I HURT"

mY COMPLEX IS A MESS, I HAVEN'T SLEPT SO I HAVE BAGS AROUND MY EYES AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS STAY IN BED LISTENING TO ANYTHING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE, BECAUSE IT'S ALL REMINDERS OF WHAT I HAD.

I LOVE CHRIS AND HE REALLY IS THE MOST SWEETEST GUY, AND I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE TO KEEP HIM

okay am going to retire and cry somewhere not that i've done much else, everyone i really hope none of you ever loves if this is what it feels like

[penfold]

Originally posted by ajveg

I LOVE CHRIS AND HE REALLY IS THE MOST SWEETEST GUY

nope :p if you recall....I'll do you one better-- he is a festering maggot-ridden diarrheal turd on the hideously ugly cowboy boot of an even bigger putrid smelly turd.
sweet guys may go through a kind of early-life crisis of the kind that this sounds like, as observed by other people here. but as soon as they start treating your feelings the way he has treated yours they CEASE TO BE SWEET. chris, sad to say, is an EX-SWEET GUY. people often show their real potential when they are in challenging positions. anyone can be sweet when times are easy, it's how people act when things are difficult, or even mildly, hardly-at-all, challenging as in this case, that separate the real sweet guys from the putrid, smelly and maggot-ridden. chris has stepped over the line. he festers. you are the one who has been dealing with this like an adult.

Lots of hugs to you. it is hard, and a some good hard crying may actually be helping. take care :) and tell us more about Ireland - have you an idea about where you would prefer to go yet?

[ajveg]

see the thing is he says that the shelly thing isn't real, he was going to be set up with her, but my very reliable source whom i do not want in any way to get in trouble said that Chris has been texting her.

I am so confused, i mean nothing to him yet he means everything to me.

You know if Chris came back to me, i would be so happy i would be well you get the picture, as thats highly unlikely, i'll probably move to Belfast to go to BIFE (belfast institute of furthure ed) But i have a feeling my life will never be complete again, i love him so much i mean sooo much its sort of obsessive and scarey.

The reason i dont sleep is because when i do Chris comes back to me, he meets me at the airport, he comes into my work with flowers, he proposes to me infront of everyone, you name it in not one dream did reality exist and when i do sleep i wake up with a longing, i have cried so much over the last few weeks i could robaby fill the sea, and theres always this feeling that doesn't feel right in the pit of my tummy the sort of feeling you get when you know something is wrong or some one has dyed or gone some where you cant.

Why me, why us why? I have even scared my cousin nina, her boyfirned is exactly like chris cute fun, sexy, smart an all round wonderful person, but she's scared now that he could do what Chris did to me and leave her. Every one in the family keep saying that Nina's found the person she will spend forever with, that they are the real deal. I had the real deal, more real than real, i would do anything to be back in Chris's arms i would i want to feel whole again.

[herbi]

Ouch. AJ, it is hurting me to read this!!! :( Not only because I am sorry you feel so bad, but because it brings back a little too vividly the time in my life when I felt exactly the same way. OK, nobody ever feels EXACTLY the same way as anyone else, because we're all unique, blah blah blah, but trust me, as impossible as it sounds to you, yes I (and others here unfortunately) felt just as hopelessly lost and hurt. I literally felt like all my guts had been torn out (like at the end of Braveheart), and nothing in the whole world mattered except my own pain and loss, and I felt for a long time like the only fix would be to get my own Turd back. I say this not to in any way diminish what you're going through, but to emphasize the point that it WILL go away!!! Basically, you are at this point addicted to Chris. You're a junkie, and you're going through withdrawal, and you want your fix. It SEEMS like that's what will make everything better, but it isn't, anymore than another shot of heroin is what's going to make a junkie's life better. You can't help feeling that way for now, but you have to fight it and not give into urges to feed your addiction in little ways like snooping at his email! This will only prolong the process! Rant about it all you like-- cry and scream and throw things (safely) and write about it and do whatever else you can do to get it all out without resorting to him. One thing you might try that has helped me multiple times in the past is to start writing a journal in the form of a letter to him-- do NOT actually give him this letter, as this is just another form of interacting with him, and that's a BAD thing right now (see above)-- but, I know there are so many thoughts swirling around in your head right now-- memories of the good stuff and all the bad effects you're suffering right now. Get them OUT of your head as much as possible and INTO a notebook where they can be shut away for a while when you need room in your head to actually think (like about which college you will attend and good stuff like that!). That way it will be there and you can reread it as much as you want and cry over it and add to it and look at it and analyze it and so on and so on, but you won't have to think to yourself, "But remember...?" because you already wrote it down, so, no danger of forgetting it and therefore no need to dwell on it. If that makes any sense? I get the feeling that's SORT of what you're doing in this thread, but an actual notebook has the advantage of you not needing to be online to access it, and also I really do think there's something therapeutic about addressing it to him: "Do you have any idea what you've done to me???" and so forth. Anyway, take care of yourself. EAT SOMETHING NUTRITIOUS TODAY-- I don't want to hear any more of this "lose tonnes of weight" BS out of you!!! :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:

[ajveg]

some thing amazing happened last night! Chris text me and phoned me telling me he had been feeling as crumy as me and he wants me back. I am on cloud 9!!!!!!!!!!:p

I am a little scared that he'll leave again, but i think this time really will be different he loves me and i love him, so we'll make it work. I really dont think i'd be able to handle it again if he left for the third time, but he's going to meet me at the air port tomorrow wish us luck:p

sooooo happy so happy so happy:p :) :D

[herbi]

Oh dear.
I do sincerely hope things work out for you in the end, AJ, but please please please...
1) don't sacrifice your own future plans for him, and
2) sit him down and have a real talk about how UNACCEPTABLE it was the way he treated you! If you're going to be in a relationship with this guy, he has to RESPECT you!!! :confused:
Let us know how it goes.

[lotus_blue]

Excellent advice, herbi. I second that.